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I've now figured out the subject line purpose

Posted on 2008.03.14 at 03:38
How I feel: curiouscurious
I keep looking outside staring at the unfinished lawn job and know that I will be doing that tomorrow.
I would call today a good day. I decided to go without a jacket, which wasn't the best idea now that I look back on it, but it didn't kill me. But still today I looked at those arms with no life in them, and I am growing concerned because as I do not exert myself much anymore I can see myself decaying away. Krystle's friend tried to butter me up the other day by complimenting my masculinity but ruined it by mentioning my femininity. Some just have no empathy whatsoever and there is no delicate way to say this - but they need to be hit. But still I could not keep from staring at just how little was there. I thought, "this looks so ridiculous." I will blow away with the wind soon.
I looked over at rubidoux mountain toay and it didn't occur to me until this very moment that it should bother me to look over there. I swear, if I didn't have such an imagination. I wished I could intimidate the cars with expensive interiors and lacking interiors if you know what mean, but I have nothing. Walking around in the early morning when the sun has not risen did remind me of things I didn't want to think about, like New York or something so gruesome, so when I sat down I pulled out Margaret Atwood and continued reading her book that everyone was making such a big fuss about - especially about the 'hole' in the bathroom stall, 'waist high.' I tend to pick up books concerning the mysogyny of women, I noticed, but Sophie's Choice was a little too much for me and repetitive Jewish references would not do for a novel to enjoy.
Your Life is a duty to someone else, I believe. Right now I live for my dad. I would like to say I have the courage to change that but I really haven't worked on building it. I did really consider living with Brandon as a possible escape route from ever having to confront it but as I thought about it I came to the conclusion that even though it may seem real nice I couldn't be too sure of the outcome of anything at this point in the relatonship. A lot of the time I wonder if I really am too young and something bad is waiting to happen to me because of my ignorance. I block out such thoughts. But my eyes still scope the room. I think if you dread finding something that you shouldn't look but only fools keep their head in the clouds. My insecurity is definetely something I have to work on but I do admit that a big portion of it is cultivated by the fictitious environments in movies and tv shows that we watch. They create a lot of the scenarios in my mind and all that I have to do is paste the face in the scene and there you go.
Maybe teaching math is not what I was meant for. I mean, I did poor on my exam the other day and I have not been enjoying helping people with it. Maybe I was meant to deal with instead of run away from that which I ostracize from my mind.

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